On a shopping trip, a few birds made their way into the store and were all over the place trying to scrounge up a bite to eat. They were in heaven and it was making a lot of people uncomfortable. They weren’t big birds, just little scrawny things that were actually pretty sickly looking. So they’re flying all over the place and seem to be hanging around the bakery and produce section the most. It was pretty funny to watch them land on a package of cookies and try to peck through the plastic. My wife and I just stopped and watched because we knew the real entertainment was about to begin. Several employees started gathering in the produce area, all conspiring plans to catch or kill the birds so they would stop scaring away the customers. A few were heading back from sporting goods with a fishing net and the others were “coaching” from nearby. A few missed swipes and the birds got wise by hanging out on the light fixtures over the produce. I swear I witnessed the idea formulate in this brilliant Walmart employee and then I got to watch it in action just seconds later. He thought, “I’ll throw something at it to stun it, then the guy with the net can catch it.” Then he proceeded to pick up a few bell peppers and take aim. I knew exactly what would happen before he even threw it. The bell pepper left his hand, hurled in the general direction of the bird, the bird’s natural instincts took over and without any effort, dodged the flying veggies. Having nowhere else to go, the peppers crashed into the light fixtures breaking into many pieces before hitting the ceiling, breaking into even more pieces, then raining down to the floor. He got through three attempts before I managed to stop pointing and laughing.
My wife and I spent our typical two hours grocery shopping one Saturday a few months back and we’re in line to check out. As usual there’s only like 5 registers open and the lines are backing up into the clothing departments. People are already losing their patience but everyone’s attention is drawn to this woman who is clearly at the end of her rope. This customer, a woman in her mid-late 30s in decent shape, kinda barbie doll looking in her workout clothes and her bleached hair bunched up on top of her head is throwing a fit over price matching ads from other grocery stores so the could save a few bucks. The poor cashier is doing the best she can but they came to a disagreement about one of the price matches and the cashier decided to hold her ground. There’s easily 8 customers with full baskets behind her and they’re all getting stressed out over the situation. The woman keeps pushing the issue and the cashier calls for the manager on duty. The manager comes over and after hearing the woman’s story and looking everything over, she agrees with the cashier and politely tells barbie that they can’t match the price. Barbie continues the fight and all the customers behind her are yelling for her to get over it and move it along. Barbie turns around, gets right up in the face of the woman behind her and says “FUCK. YOU.” Everyone’s jaw drops. The offended woman took a step back and her husband looks at barbie with shame in his eyes. People start getting pissed at this point and they’re all telling her to just drop the issue and move along. One of the customers even went as far as to say, “Why are you fighting for this, what will it save you, a DOLLAR? I’ll pay you five dollars to just get the hell outta here!” The woman declined by giving him the one-fingered salute and carried on with her argument with the manager and cashier. Finally the manager convinced her that the price match would not be honored and got her to check out.
My husband works at a Walmart in Alabama, he came home from work yesterday laughing so hard it took him fifteen minutes to tell me the whole story. A few hours before he was supposed to be at work, around 7PM, a man somewhere in his 30s or 40s came into the store. He seemed like any normal shopper, he got assistance from a couple of the employees in trying to find what he was looking for. Apparently, they didn’t carry whatever it was he wanted. He walked to the front of the store as if he was about to leave but right as he got in front of all the cash registers, he turned around, dropped his pants, and began swinging his penis wildly in a circular motion with one hand, other arm in the air as if riding a bull. The police were called and the man was arrested, but not before scaring many people in the process. As far as I know, charges are going to be pressed against him.
Ten years ago, Christmas time, my daughter & were leaving Walmart. I was standing just off the curb, behind a car, waiting to cross to the parking lot. Suddenly, I felt something against my leg, looked to see a car! A woman was backing her car into me. I yelled, but the car pressed until my leg started to give. I slammed my hand down on the trunk. Instant brake lights. A woman gets out of the car in all her Walmart glory– femme mullet, cigarette dangling from her lip, and yes, A TANK TOP IN DECEMBER!!!! The woman looked like she’d won Dive Bar Hag of the Decade.
She yells at me, “Why the fuck’d you hit my car?”
“Because you were backing into me!”
“Maybe you should watch where the fuck you’re goin’!”
I explained to her, louder and louder, that I was just standing there, but she didn’t buy it. Probably too busy thinking about the Travis Tritt CD she was missing in the Redneckmobile.
Finally, she said, “If you don’t wanna get hit you shouldn’t stand there, asshole.”
I snapped the rest of the way. I dropped my bags, took a step toward her and yelled, “I will whip your ass. Fuck you, you fat bitch!”
She got wide eyed, jumped back in the car and sped off. Insult to injury, everyone in the parking lot looked at me like I’d just been murdering fuzzy puppies.