Hmmmmm well, we don’t like to make fun of people with medical problems, but I have no problem making fun of someone with a medical problem who is inconsiderate enough to gross me out. Tell you what, I’ll continue to be sympathetic to your issues, but how ’bout you be sympathetic to the fact that I don’t want to see your piss-bag while i’m picking up some deli meat?!
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie..’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed
to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared…
‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!’
The following information was provided by the Wakulla County Sheriff’s Office:
Wakulla County Sheriff’s Office investigators took a step back in time to the 1970s Thursday, July 1 as they were asked to investigate a streaker at an area business, according to Sheriff David Harvey.
Early morning customers at the Crawfordville Wal-Mart got more than they bargained for when the unidentified male streaked through the store with nothing on except two bandanas.
Deputy Nick Gray investigated the 1 a.m. complaint from Assistant Manager Richard Dunn. Witness Kenneth L. Malphurs of Crawfordville reported that he observed a white male, approximately six feet tall and 200 to 220 pounds, running naked with bandanas wrapped around his face.
Malphurs told Deputy Gray that an unidentified customer attempted to stop the streaker by knocking him down as he was leaving the store, but was unable to hold him until law enforcement arrived. Malphurs added that a second clothed male joined the streaker outside the store as they ran south toward Mike Stewart Drive.
Deputy Vicki Mitchell also investigated and determined that at 12:40 a.m. the streaker entered the store with his clothing on before changing out of his clothes in a store restroom. The suspect emerged from the restroom and continued on a two minute streak before leaving the store through a south side exit.
Two black bandanas were recovered in the parking lot of the store.
Video surveillance is also being collected for further investigation.
I guess Peace, Love, & Flab just didn’t have the staying power to remain a popular phrase.