As I was walking out of Wal-Mart with my family, we noticed a very large lady (had to be 6’3) limping over to an electric scooter. She was wearing pink leggings and a unbelievably short tank top. Her breasts were not supported by any type of bra and her butt crack hanging in the wind showed her lack of panties. Her stomach rolls were piling up as she sat onto the scooter and could not reach the handle bars because of her size. She heard a loud creak and screamed at whom seemed to be her daughter “GOD DAMN IT! WHY DIDN’T I GET THAT DAMN BREAST REDUCTION!?!?!?”, my sons…being high schoolers then said to her “Lady you need way more then a breast reduction!”. She, obviously madden by this looks over to my boys and throws her purse at them. Her large sack of a purse spills onto the floor and the usual money, coupons, check book and pack of gum falls out of her wallet…along with the mound of pads, tampons, condoms, lube and lady toy. Stunned, my son Noah says “Thanks for the show lady! Though I dont think you will need the condoms…have fun with the rest! AND, since it was NOT a very good show ill be taking your pay back!”, he runs to go pick up the three crushed up singles she has and we were on our way!
The big 4th of July weekend had just begun & my parents (whom I still live with) were setting up a tent in the backyard. Originally the wanted the table & chairs from the deck to go inside the tent but found out the legs might puncture the pleather bottom of the tent. So knowing about my strong arms, they dragged me with them to the nearest Wallyworld to go shopping for a less puncture-prone set of patio furniture. Since the Portsmouth, NH Walmart is rather ordinary, I expected them to just pick out the table & chairs, pay for them & go home. All of that was about to change that Saturday, for what do I see but some Canadian tourist walking around with a piece of tissue paper hanging out of his nose (& he’s totally oblivious aboot it, eh), marking the first Person of Walmart sighting in Portsmouth & just when it couldn’t get any weirder, as we were exiting the store, we saw a barefoot teenage boy walking around the parking lot. That was quite a day, in which, alas, the search for patio furniture was fruitless.
Oh God! Had I known those were the types of Yellow Moons I would be getting, I never would have gone after his Lucky Charms!
It’s time once again for America’s favorite game Who Wears It Better: Mullet Accessory Edition. So who ya got folks, the tank and gloves or the classic camo approach?
California & Florida