Short Shorts/No Shorts/Underwear
Your first move should be checking that backpack for a pair of underwear. If there are none in there, well you’re at a store that sells underwear. Problem solved. I would move on to pants but I don’t want to get too far ahead for you, and it seems like if there is more than one thing going on you get confused and lose concentration.
I don’t even think Paul Bunyan and his big blue ox could remove those jorts from those tree trunks!
You know what they say, “If you got it, flaunt it.” Unfortunately, you don’t got it.
Someone has fallen on some tough times now that Santa had to lay people off.