Stories

03.15.

Fish Tales

I was an associate for a few years and often stocked the pets department. A woman once asked me if Walmart sold life preservers for fish.

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09.12.

The Country Music Fan

Local country fan Reginald Spears was arrested over the weekend for merchandise tampering at the new Super Walmart out on the bypass. The details of his infractions are unique, to say the least.

Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously.

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he’d decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded “Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma’am” and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store.

“I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that… and where Taylor Swift had been, he’d replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he’d stole all them new CDs and tried to replace ‘em with his old junk,” said a perplexed Johnston.

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. “I didn’t shoplift nothin’. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares… where that crap belongs,” said Spears. “I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I’ve got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain’t stupid.”

“Can you believe they didn’t have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?” he continued. “Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did.”

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store.

Spears explained: “They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke ‘em, them motherf***ers! I’m suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out… I’m a by-God patriot!”

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation.

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01.25.

Lesbian Bathroom Action

Okay, so my mom, sis, and I were shopping at the Wal and decided to take a pee break. We decided to go to the one at the back of the store since it was closer. As usual, we took a look under the bathroom doors to see which ones were free. While looking under the handicapped bathroom door, we saw the weirdest thing. Two sets of feet! One set facing out and the other set facing towards the other person. We kinda just figured it was a lady helping her child, but the longer we were in there we started hearing some very strange noises. My first thought was to hurry and get the heck out of there! My mom and sis were thinking the same thing, and as I walked out to wash my hands we just kinda looked at each other like “What is that?”. While we were quickly washing our hands, two girls walked out of the stall (one dressed in a Wal Mart smock!), gave us a little smirk, and walked out. We were in shock, and I couldn’t help but let out my favorite phrase, “Oh my!” It gets better! We walked up to a register to check out, and who is working the line, but little miss bathroom action herself. Her little friend was also standing there talking to her as she worked. Of course they also recognized us. We all just look at each other, and my mom, sis, and I tried really hard not to crack up! Talk about weird!

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08.24.

Parrots Are People Too

I was working for a summer at a Wal-Mart as a cashier. No one told me that this is the weirdest position to have. You are the one who interacts with the customers the most, and as a result you get to hear the weirdest sh**. One day, I was working a regular, boring morning shift, and a man comes through my till with a bag of parrot food. I said good morning, and he grunts in the usual way a customer does if they don’t particularly want to talk to me. So I just scan the parrot food, and it comes in (for a four pound bag) to be about thirteen dollars. He looks very shocked, and I’m expecting him to say something like “it said on the sign it was only…” but instead he just smiles at me (in a very creepy way) and this is how the following conversation went:

Man: Do you have a senior citizen discount…?

Me: Sorry, sir, we don’t.

Man: YOU DIDN’T LET ME FINISH! Do you have a senior citizen discount for parrots? I have a very old parrot.

Me: (stifling laughter) No, sir, I’m sorry. That’ll be thirteen dollars.

(Then man then proceeds to reach into his pocket and throw down a bunch of change and dollar bills. I stand there for a moment, and then he glares at me, expecting me to fish through all the money myself. I do so, wanting him out of the store sooner rather than later. He then stares at the remaining change on the conveyor belt.)

Me: Here’s your receipt, sir.

(The man, ignoring me, starts to collect the change on the conveyor belt.)

Man: I can’t believe you made me dump my pockets on here.

(I wasn’t sure what to say or do, so I just offered him his receipt again.)

Man: (picking up the bag, and smiling) Thank you. My life partner and I thank you.

(I’m pretty sure by life partner he meant his parrot, because as he said this, he pointed at the parrot on the bag. I never had another customer that scared me that much.)

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Three Ring Focus

People of Walmart - Funny Photos Of Walmart Shoppers - Humor Blog

People of Walmart is a humor blog that depicts the many customers of Walmart stores across the United States and Canada. Through funny photos and videos, People of Walmart is an entertainment blog in the Three Ring Blogs network that features over 30 of the funniest humor blogs on the internet. Walmart is the largest retail store in the United States and has millions of people visit stores each day wearing anything but proper attire.

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