So after my high school graduation ceremony, my mom, grandmother, aunt and I made a trip to the local Wal Mart to get some supplies for my graduation party. We’re all still dressed up from the ceremony, me in a cute but modest dress, trying to get out of there as quickly as possible because frankly, the place is scary as hell.
Somehow I get left guarding the cart in a makeup aisle while my group dispersed for a few minutes. I’m waiting patiently, watching all the “lovely” people go by, when an old man passes the end of the aisle. No big deal, right? Then he comes back, and walks up to my cart.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for my wife.”
“OK.” I’m assuming he’s old and senile, but what can I do? I don’t know what his wife looks like.
“Would you like to be my wife tonight?”
WTF? Still thinking he’s old and crazy, I try to be polite with “Um, I have a boyfriend, I don’t think he would like that.”
“He can be with my wife then, and you can be my wife for tonight.”
At this point my mom comes back, and I give her the “OMG” eyes. She says “It’s time to go.”
He looks at her, looks at me, and says, “See how jealous she is of you?”
Mom says, “OK, it’s reaaaaally time to go.”
Directly to my mother: “But she wants to make love to me.”
We booked it out of there so fast, the shock didn’t even set in. And when we told the story to my aunt and grandma, we had to keep grandma from going back in and beating the crap out of the old man. I will never, ever forget that day, or go to Walmart alone.
My Brother called me the other day to inform me that he punched a guy in the nose in the parking lot of his local Walmart. Of course I asked how this happened and he relayed to me that he and his wife were walking to his car after buying groceries and noticed a man with his arm in the back window. Incidentally, the back window is made of plexiglass due to a previous break-in. My brother asked him “What’s Up?” and the dude told him to “Go Away”. So my brother, without another word, stepped up to the dude and hit him square in the face. The would-be thief staggered back and then ran away with blood running down his face. I asked him if he called the cops and he said no. But then he told me that the guy was really stupid because if he had tried the door handle he would have found the car unlocked…..Seriously?!?!?!
This lovely story is coming from Latrobe, Pa. So it was normal day in the summer and I had to stop at wally-world to pick up some quick items. My whole experience IN the store lasted oh 15 minutes or so. I come back out to my car and I’m one of those people who park at somewhat of I distance cause hey, I don’t trust the driving skills of the frequent flyers of walmart. Parked at a diagonal in front of me is a large older dodge truck, and I notice the driver still in it. I get closer to my car and as I’m putting the code in I notice something vigorously moving in this trucks side mirror. I’m thinking to myself what the hell could that be? Once again its summer so his window is down and its broad daylight. So I get into my car still staring at this guy because now I’m curious because I see this constant movement. After blinking a few times and clearing my vision I can now see that the moving thing is his penis and he’s jacking off. Apparently he pushed his crotch up for anyone to get a glimpse…. I laughed for probably 15 minutes and then called everyone I knew who would appreciate it.
Well… I have always heard of the horrendous 3rd party-parenting that goes on in Texas. Even though I’ve lived here for 25 years, it took me 6 years after having a child, to discover it firsthand.. And man, some people are a little too bold.. I decided to take my 4 and 6-year old with me to Walmart one day, to pick up a few drinks and chips that I couldn’t seem to find at any other store in town. We had already been to a few other stores where my wife and I usually do our shopping. So, as you can imagine, their short attention spans were running on empty. That and my wife and I were a little agitated from dealing with the atypical Dallas hussle and bussle. Anyways.. I’m a man, so after 4 hours of shopping, my mind and temperment was sketchy at best. But on this day I was borderlining lucidity.. It just so happens, that my 6-year old, decides that he wants to get a little testy, after passing the toy aisle. So, after putting him in check with a stern warning for his partial temper-tantrum, he settles down. Now for those of you who have more than one child, you’re all too familiar with the common fact that trouble usually comes in pairs. Especially when one, is 2 years older than the other and knows how to manipulate. So without fail, our 4 year old, tries her hand, when I split from all 3 of them to grab the drinks. My 4 year old starts throwing one hell of a fit, that I hear 4 aisles down. Matter of fact I dropped the drinks, as it scared the shit out of me.. Now when it comes to my 4 year old, she’s a little more complicated, as she can sense my anxiety with spanking her in public and tends to capitalize on the father-daughter relationship. Or as my wife calls it, “Sucker-Syndrome”. Never had a problem with disciplinig my son, as it always was 2nd nature for me and him and I have an mutual agreement, the paddle. But being as she’s rather petite like my wife, disciplining her, always was a bit akward for me. That and the fact that my hand dwarves her little behind.. (For me, It’s like trying to spank a Grapefruit.) And of course, she knows this and worked that angle. I felt a little bad, as all parental senses were tingling and screaming “Ass-whooping”. But I carefully took a moment to assess my options.. It was in this moment I realized, that it was apparent that my wife and daughter had some telepathic connection, as I could sense the rapidly-narrowing proximity of my wife, by the “Oh Sh*t” look on my daughter’s face. Inevitably it seems my wife had enough and decided to deliver a swift punishment. So commenced the spanking on aisle 3.. Now, it wasn’t but maybe 3 licks into it, that a woman and her boyfriend, both in their early 20’s, stopped to gander upon my child’s disposition. Now, for a brief moment, even they had the common sense not too interrupt my wife as she exercised her parental right. Matter of fact.. With the exception of her counting joyously and the slight uncanny resemblance to a jilted dominatrix and the count from Sesame Street I was quite proud of her. But all things considered I wasn’t prepared for what was blurted out of this woman’s mouth.. As my wife sat my daughter back in the basket and reprimanded her for the way she had acted, this woman decides to interject and voice her opinion on how my wife should have handled the situation. She turns to my wife and says, “What is wrong with you!?” My wife befuddled with the question replies, “Excuse me?” “You can’t do that!” The woman said, “That’s public humiliation.” I turned and looked at my wife and for a brief moment I could actually see the gears in my wife’s head stop. And what sounded like a monster truck roaring out of control, emerged. My wife then replied by informing the woman, “If she had wanted her opinion, she would have asked for it.” The woman then replied, “Well, you shouldn’t be spanking your child like that in public.” Now at this point I began to get a little agitated. I was still a bit befuddled at this girl’s audacity but if it hadn’t have been for her boyfriend laughing about it.. Well needless to say I lost my anger and informed both the woman and her boyfriend, where they could kindly, “shove their opinion”. I then turned to the woman and told her, “I really don’t give a sh*t what you think, as it’s apparent that you could have used some discipline yourself. So kindly take yourself and your giggling girlfriend there and move along, before I do what your daddy should have done!”. I’ve never seen someone’s jaw drop that far. And I would have kept a straight-face, if it hadn’t have been for my son who conveniently chimed in, “Daddy, you want my belt?” Score one for parental-rights, including discipline.