Stories

06.22.

No Beer Past Here

Disgusted with all the “lawlessness” these days,  a brave Texas woman chased three men who tried to steal a few cases of beer from a Walmart, the Houston Chronicle reported. Ironically, the heroine’s name is Monique Lawless.

On Sunday, she watched three men walk out of the store without paying for the cases of beers they had in tow. Determined to stop them, Lawless told the clerk to watch her purse.

The 5-foot-nothing, 125-pound woman followed the men into the parking lot, jumped on their car’s hood and tried to kick the windshield in, while yelling, “You punks, you are not going to get away with this,” the paper reported.

The men, all brothers ranging from 19-to-21-years-old, laughed and allegedly hit the gas, causing her to fall off the car — but not before she grabbed the driver’s side door handle and was dragged along the pavement, according to the Chronicle.

Police later found the men, who now face charges of evading arrest and aggravated robbery.

Lawless told Fox News on Wednesday that she originally intended to just capture the vehicle’s license plate.

“I told the cashier, ‘Hey those kids aren’t paying for their beers, someone should do something,” she said. “I just told her to watch my purse.”

Lawless, who suffered a bruised nose and two black eyes during the incident, said the men were so “smug” about the robbery. Asked if she would respond in the same way again, Lawless replied: “Not probably to that extreme. I wouldn’t jump on a vehicle like that again, no.”

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03.22.

The Pink Panther

I worked in the Garden Center at my local Wal-Mart for a few months. When I opened one morning there was this older lady who came in right when I was opening up. She was wearing somthing really bright colored, too much makeup and had a really dark fake tan. It was like she was trying really hard to hide the fact that she was old. So after she is done shopping and is checking out she is talking to me. Seemed like a harmless lonely old lady at first but then somehow we get on the subject of dogs and she starts in about how she is terrified of dogs because she got bit once. Then she pulls up her pantleg to show me her scar and wants me to feel it. Next, she pulls pictures out of her bag so she can show me the picture of the stiches. And she just keeps going on and on and won’t go away. Then she finally leaves and the girl who waters the flowers comes back from wherever she was hiding and says “I see that you met the pink panther lady.” So I figured she called her that because of the way she dressed until she told me her story. She goes and hides when the pink panther lady comes in because she won’t go away and has all these crazy stories about random stuff. Once she told the waterer about her collection. She has thousands of pink panther stuffed animals all over her house (she carries pictures of these around too) and she pretends they are real and has tea parties and birthday parties for them. Once she called the police because she thought someone stole one when it fell behind the couch. So I get the story and I ask why they didn’t warn me. Apparently, the pink panther lady is like Garden Center initation and you have to find out for yourself.

Tags: funny story, story

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08.11.

I Get Aroused

AUGUST 10–A Louisiana man arrested yesterday for driving around a Walmart parking lot with his penis exposed explained to cops that “he gets aroused” when visiting the retail giant, according to a police report.

Travis Keen, 28, was busted on an obscenity charge and booked into the Ouachita Parish jail, where he is being held in lieu of $5000 bail.

Keen, pictured in the mug shot at right, was collared after a witness reported to police that a man driving a Ford Taurus drove past him “with his penis exposed.” The witness, who tailed the Ford as it drove around a Walmart parking lot in Monroe, told cops that when the suspect “saw a female in the parking lot he would stop and watch them.”

When Officer Colby Spillers confronted him, Keen reportedly “stated he did have his penis out because of past experiences he had at Wal-Mart. Keen stated when he comes to Wal-Mart he gets aroused.”

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03.29.

Strung Out

Reading the previous story about the guy from the photo lab brought up one of my own funny memories from my photo-lab days, so I thought I’d share…

We were super busy, so we had the machine on Auto Print for everything. (That basically means that you just feed the film into the machine and let it go–no one is there babysitting the screen as it prints)

While packaging the orders, I came across one that was an entire roll of nude photographs of a woman. I stuck the little courtesy note about inappropriate pictures in the envelope, and sorted through them to make sure there weren’t any that would have been acceptable. As I flipped through the stack, I noticed something strange about about some of them.

I looked closer at them and started cracking up. There were various poses where she was on her hands and knees, or bending over, all with her backside to the camera. Normally, this type of pose would probably be considered hot. But there, hanging out in all its glory, was her tampon string…and it wasn’t white.

I showed my co-workers and we all had a good laugh. It was hard to keep a straight face later on when she came back to pick them up.

Tags: funny story, story

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