Stories

08.13.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

When I was pregnant, I decided to go to Walmart at 2 a.m. to get cleaning supplies since I was going crazy wanting to clean. Well most know that a pregnant woman has a super tiny bladder (at least it feels that way). So I ran to the bathroom, and as soon as I walked in I heard this little kid saying “Eww momma that’s stinky. Why your poopies stink so bad?” I had to bite my lip because I was about to die laughing. I did my business and this kid is still complaining about how bad her mom’s poo stinks (she sounded 3 or 4).  As I’m washing my hands, they came out the bathroom and the mother was super red from what seemed like embarassment. This kid was still going on about how her poo stinks. Later as I’m in the check out line, they are two ahead of me. The little girl stands up in the cart and tells the check out girl “It’s okay, my mommy got all the stinkys out.”

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03.22.

The Pink Panther

I worked in the Garden Center at my local Wal-Mart for a few months. When I opened one morning there was this older lady who came in right when I was opening up. She was wearing somthing really bright colored, too much makeup and had a really dark fake tan. It was like she was trying really hard to hide the fact that she was old. So after she is done shopping and is checking out she is talking to me. Seemed like a harmless lonely old lady at first but then somehow we get on the subject of dogs and she starts in about how she is terrified of dogs because she got bit once. Then she pulls up her pantleg to show me her scar and wants me to feel it. Next, she pulls pictures out of her bag so she can show me the picture of the stiches. And she just keeps going on and on and won’t go away. Then she finally leaves and the girl who waters the flowers comes back from wherever she was hiding and says “I see that you met the pink panther lady.” So I figured she called her that because of the way she dressed until she told me her story. She goes and hides when the pink panther lady comes in because she won’t go away and has all these crazy stories about random stuff. Once she told the waterer about her collection. She has thousands of pink panther stuffed animals all over her house (she carries pictures of these around too) and she pretends they are real and has tea parties and birthday parties for them. Once she called the police because she thought someone stole one when it fell behind the couch. So I get the story and I ask why they didn’t warn me. Apparently, the pink panther lady is like Garden Center initation and you have to find out for yourself.

Tags: funny story, story

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08.11.

I Get Aroused

AUGUST 10–A Louisiana man arrested yesterday for driving around a Walmart parking lot with his penis exposed explained to cops that “he gets aroused” when visiting the retail giant, according to a police report.

Travis Keen, 28, was busted on an obscenity charge and booked into the Ouachita Parish jail, where he is being held in lieu of $5000 bail.

Keen, pictured in the mug shot at right, was collared after a witness reported to police that a man driving a Ford Taurus drove past him “with his penis exposed.” The witness, who tailed the Ford as it drove around a Walmart parking lot in Monroe, told cops that when the suspect “saw a female in the parking lot he would stop and watch them.”

When Officer Colby Spillers confronted him, Keen reportedly “stated he did have his penis out because of past experiences he had at Wal-Mart. Keen stated when he comes to Wal-Mart he gets aroused.”

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03.29.

Strung Out

Reading the previous story about the guy from the photo lab brought up one of my own funny memories from my photo-lab days, so I thought I’d share…

We were super busy, so we had the machine on Auto Print for everything. (That basically means that you just feed the film into the machine and let it go–no one is there babysitting the screen as it prints)

While packaging the orders, I came across one that was an entire roll of nude photographs of a woman. I stuck the little courtesy note about inappropriate pictures in the envelope, and sorted through them to make sure there weren’t any that would have been acceptable. As I flipped through the stack, I noticed something strange about about some of them.

I looked closer at them and started cracking up. There were various poses where she was on her hands and knees, or bending over, all with her backside to the camera. Normally, this type of pose would probably be considered hot. But there, hanging out in all its glory, was her tampon string…and it wasn’t white.

I showed my co-workers and we all had a good laugh. It was hard to keep a straight face later on when she came back to pick them up.

Tags: funny story, story

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