Back in 2005 a friend and myself decided to go grab some food at a local shopping complex that just happened to have a Walmart in it. We ordered our food and since there was a line it would take about 15 minutes. We decided to go check out the video games at the Walmart to pass the time.
We were cutting through the toy section to get to the video games we noticed two long brown steaks that looked like someone ran a cart through something. Already we both feared the worst as this was Walmart. Upon following the trail we found two shit filled diapers, the first mashed into oblivion on the floor with shit smeared all over the aisle and the second stuffed behind some toys on the shelf. The shelf bomb had the poo coming out the sides and the toys it was hidden behind clearly had adult shit-fingerprints on them. Both me and my buddy let out a long disgusted “ewwwww” before we started to dry heave.
Both my friend and I started to laugh at the vile display we saw and on our way out told one of the managers of our discovery. The manager looked at me blankly and after a pause said she would have someone take care of it. As we left the store we saw a gargantuan (female?) and her husband walking out with two shopping carts filled with junk and food and two (about) 5 year old boys coming out. My buddy pointed at there cart and started laughing as we both saw the shit from the aisle all over the part of the cart where the kids were…the father also seemed to notice he had some on his shoes, he proceeded to wipe it off on someones brand new Mini-cooper as he walked by it and continue on his way.
My friend and I got our food and after about half an hour of trying to eat we decided we really weren’t that hungry anymore. Curiosity got the better of us and we decided to venture back into the Walmart to see if the brown bombs had been taken care of….low and behold they had not…45 minutes later and the manager and employees had seen fit to let the excrement fester on the floor. How wonderful.
Yesterday while waiting in line at my local Wal-Mart to exchange a defective item, what I was hearing from the customer ahead of me gave me an idea: When it was my turn, I approached the counter without showing what I was exchanging, looked the young woman straight in the eye and said in kind of a rapid-fire manner: “I want you to give me my money back on something I bought last year. I don’t have my receipt and I don’t remember what it was, but that’s your problem, not mine.” She got that deer-in-the-headlights look, but as soon as I finished with what I was saying, I burst into laughter, and she did too because she then realized I was not only kidding, but also showing her some empathy. I told her I understood what she must go through on a daily basis (she corrected me: hourly, not daily), and we both had a good laugh. So did the lady in line behind me, who heard the whole thing.
Tonight I ran in to get some things at the Moraine, Ohio, Walmart. We were there near the new closing time (the store was 24 hours before someone got shot in the parking lot and there was a rape or two). At five minutes to 11 p.m., over the intercom comes the closing announcement: “Attention shoppers: this store will be closing in five minutes. At that time, we are releasing the dogs.”
Walking up to the deli counter in my hometown, I was unaware of the t-shirt I was wearing. Having recently visited my sibling in D.C. I had bought a souviner shirt that said “Federal Witness Protection Program”. Most people know that this is a joke, so I thought nothing of it at the time. Making my way to the counter, the lady behind the counter proceeded to look at me, look at the floor, and look at me several times. I ordered my deli selections and when she was finished she said “Honey, I hope they get him, whatever he done.” What? I don’t understand. Looking down at my shirt I realized the one I was wearing. She thought I was in the Federal Witness Protection Program….
People of Walmart is a humor blog that depicts the many customers of Walmart stores across the United States and Canada. Through funny photos and videos, People of Walmart is an entertainment blog in the Three Ring Blogs network that features over 30 of the funniest humor blogs on the internet. Walmart is the largest retail store in the United States and has millions of people visit stores each day wearing anything but proper attire.