As I was walking into Walmart, there was a relatively normal looking group standing just outside the front doors, at the red “don’t drive into Walmart” poles. there were three normal looking adults, one child, about ten years old. The child started to run into the parking lot driving lane. The mother proceeds to shout, “If you don’t stop running out in the parking lot I’m gonna push you in front of a car.”
That’ll teach him.
So I worked at Wal-Mart for a couple of months. Eh, it paid rent and I had beer money, too. As time progressed, my enthusiasm for work (it could be measured in micrograms) dwindled and my motivation to do meaningful work waned (as if meaningful work at Wal-Mart is even possible).
One fine July Wednesday (this happened almost 6 years ago) I got called into my manager’s office. I had a pretty good idea that I was gonna get canned. Before the frumpy fatso even started, he excused himself (to the shitter, for a smoke, I don’t know) for about 5 minutes.
I have a snooping disposition, so after a couple of minutes I got up and started pacing around his office. I noticed that he was in the process of typing a rather lengthy e-mail addressed to about 20 people…I wasn’t concerned about the content but it gave me an idea.
I tabbed to the top of the e-mail where he began with, “Dear Friends” with a cheesy 🙂 emoticon at the end. I then paged down to around halfway through and typed in non-bold, non-large font, “fuck all y’all cocksuckers!” between two random words. I paged back down to where he left off and sat down in my chair. He came in a minute later and proceeded with the termination rhetoric bullshit.
I have no idea if he proofread his e-mail before he sent it out, but he was (is) a complete moron, so I doubt it. I left Wal-Mart with my pride and dignity intact, but I still would’ve liked to have read any responses he got to his e-mail.
I’m a pretty easy going guy and I never would maliciously infringe upon the civil liberties of another, another functioning human being that is. I was in Walmart with my six year old nephew and I was getting him some stupid game that he wanted from the electronics department. As he’s looking through the games, I noticed a teenager out of the corner of my eye. I’m only in my mid-twenties. I remember wearing some strange shit in the name of fashion and I busted a sag with the best of them but this kid had his jeans pulled halfway down his ass crack, rocking a mid drift, and he was going commando. I’m staring at this dude’s bush on one side and half his ass on the other. No exaggeration, he had the base of his wang showing. My nephew didn’t notice yet, but I walked over to the kid.
“Dude, do you mind pulling up your pants. I got a kid right here.” He replied, “This is America. I can wear my pants however I want.”
Needless to say I wasn’t taking this to the supreme court. If this kid didn’t pull up his pants or get out of the store, I was going to exercise my right to punch a stupid person in the face. At this time, a manager came over to us. An employee must have noticed the same thing I did and alerted him. After the manager explained how it is innapropriate and unsanitary to have your pubes dangling out of your pants in public, he told him to pull up the pants or get out of the store.
The only thing I’ll give the kid credit for is he held his ground. He walked out with his head high and his ass and pubes hanging out.
So there I was a 30-something woman checking out the condom aisle. I decided to pick up a box of neon green condoms and was supposed to feel like nothing was there. I plopped the neon green box into my cart and finished shopping.
I got everything all checked out, had my bags in hand, and THOUGHT I was on my way out of the store. I was walking out the door and the security alarm goes off. This 80 year old greeter/security guard comes over and asks to see my bags and receipt. After cringing, I gave him the receipt and he starts to rustle around in my bags.
He pulls out the neon green box of condoms and starts waving it around. Which person rang you up? I had no idea and just wanted to die. He kept waving the box around and telling me how the people are supposed to deactivate the alarm sensor in the box and he’s tired of having to correct them. By now a small crowd had started to form. Good times.
All while I am in my business suit and just wishing for sweet death to take me away.
He storms off in a huff to deactivate the sensor. I think someone must have told him what the box was because he brought it back to me in a bag and tried to hand it to me so no one would notice.
I had about eight people standing around me with looks of pity and hilarity the entire time it happened. They actually stayed to the end. I thought they were going to applaud me when I finally left. They were too busy laughing.
I haven’t been back to that Wal-Mart since.