Stories

08.04.

“Mom of the Year” Award Goes To…

Having spent my entire life in Texas with the exception of 7 years in Arkansas, I used to think that there was no way I would ever see displays of ignorance or idiocy akin to what I’d experienced in “Bill Clinton Land,” after returning home to Texas. Well, one fateful night at Wal-Mart in my home state, I was proven wrong.

Shortly upon entering the store, I’d noticed a rather large woman, who was visibly economically impaired. She had with her 4 children, 2 of them in nothing but diapers, and she had them all sitting in her buggy. The youngest of the babies was probably about 7 months old, and because it was close to 11 at night, the poor little thing was cranky and exhausted, not unlike his siblings, and understandably, the mother herself was rather frazzled and short tempered. I wanted to point out that if she had her children at home in the bed at such a late hour, she would probably not be in that situation, but I held my tongue because perhaps she was a working mom who just got off work or something, and had to go to the store for milk or other various necessities.

I was soon proven wrong on this, however, because I saw her a few minutes later in the beer and wine section, with cartons of ale and bottles of wine shoved in the basket in the available space not taken up by her children. And the littlest baby had decided that enough was enough, and was squalling so loudly it could have woken the dead. I felt sorry for the poor thing, and remembered that I had a brand new pacifier, still in the package, in my purse for any tantrum emergencies for my own baby. So I went up to the woman and said, “You must have your hands full. I have a new binky in my purse, it hasn’t been opened yet, you are welcome to it if you’d like.”

The woman blinked and said, “Oh, no, I don’t let my babies use those things. It’s bad for their teeth, and I think they need to have other ways of soothing themselves.” I shrugged and walked away to the dairy section, leaving behind the screaming baby, and a minute later I noticed the baby had stopped crying. Curious, I scanned the aisles to see what she had done to quiet him down. Well, the woman whose children were too good for pacifiers had given her child an unopened bottle of beer from one of her cartons and he was happily sucking on it. Go figure.

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05.05.

Edward 40-Hands

I decided to go into my local Wal-Mart last night to grab a few items around 11:30. Surprisingly, I only saw one powermullet, and was quite sad that I didn’t catch any humorous displays as I usually do, until I got to the checkout line. Of course, only two lanes were open, but I got lucky and ended up behind two people. The first person had a buggy full, but the second guy had three 40 ounce beers. In my town, it is against the law to sell an alcoholic beverage after midnight, so when the guy finally got to the counter, he was quite dismayed to hear that he couldn’t purchase his beers because it was now 12:02.

“BUT I’VE BEEN WAITING IN LINE FOR 10 MINUTES!” he yelled at the obviously grumpy young “lady” at the register. Another customer piped in and told him just to drive over the bridge that separates our town from our “sister” city which does sell after midnight. This just made the hostile drunk even more hostile. “NO, I want my beer, NOW!”┬áHe finally accepted the fact that the register would not allow the girl to even ring the beer up and stumbled/stomped towards the doors.

I ended up, as unlucky and unbelievable as it sounds, being parked right next to this drunk. By the time I got to my car, a good 5 minutes after he walked out, he was trying frantically to unlock his car. He couldn’t get the key into the hole for the life of him. Finally, though, he succeded and almost belly flopped into the driver’s seat. I watched in horror (and slight amusement) as he, I assume, attempted to put his car in reverse, but instead put it in drive, and went through the bars of the shopping cart return and snowplowed about 20 carts. I’d never seen a shopping cart fly until last night.

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07.12.

Family Matters

One day, back in my college days in the 80’s, I worked as a cashier in the local Wal-Mart. I haven’t seen my natural father for at least 12 years at that point… was a nasty split between my mom and dad and I had no clue he lived in the town I went to college in.

I checked out the lady and she wrote a check… It had both HIS and HER Full names on the check. I looked up and asked her was Mr. ______ born on Valentine’s day in 1948. She snapped back… Yes he was… what’s it to you? She began to berate me for being so nosy and my favorite manager came over to investigate what was going on. I looked at the Manager and said I asked her if her husband Mr. ______ was born on valentines day in 1948 and she thinks I’m being nosy and wants to know what’s it to me.

I was trying to be gentle and kind about it, but she was being quite a witch about it… so I just looked her dead in the eye and said “Oh nothing much, that’s my dad… I haven’t seen him in years… so I guess that makes you my step mom.”

All the color went from her face and I thought she was going to hit the floor.

I have since made peace with Dad and Step-Momster (actually she was exactly what he needed to straighten him out and I’m glad he found her) now I when I go visit I visit with her more than him.

One time when she was in the hospital her sister asked her how she got such a caring son… she always answers… “I picked him up at Wal-Mart”.

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05.19.

Just Beat It

I worked for Wal-Mart a few years ago as a Loss Prevention associate. For those of you who don’t know what that is, basically I was a plain clothed security guard at the store. My primary job was to catch shoplifters but I also caught employees stealing too. At our store we had a place where all of the shelves, pegs, hooks and other items that make up an aisle are stored. This was called the fixture room. I started to notice discarded wrappers and open packages in the fixture room. This made me suspicious that an associate was stealing and getting rid of the evidence in there. So I decided to hang a small camera to try and catch them. A few days later I was reviewing the footage when I recognized an employee, a 3rd shift stock man, walking into the fixture room. He looks around for a minute and then proceeds to pull his penis out and began masturbating wildly. He continues to play with himself for a minute or two and then discharges all over some shelves that were stacked in the floor. I immediately showed the recording to the store manager who looked very upset. Feeling like my job had been done, I decided to let the store manager handle this since it was not really an issue of theft. A few days later I came in early one morning to see that same guy clocking out and going home like nothing was wrong in the world. When I asked the store manager why he had not fired him, he told me how the stock guy explained that he had come to work after he had been drinking a while and was still pretty buzzed. He did not remember doing it and was sorry that it happened. He came in on his own time to clean every shelf and promised not to do it again. The store manager also added that he was the best employee that he had on 3rd shift and that it would be hard to replace him. Since no one was hurt and nothing was stolen or damaged. He figured no harm no foul.

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Three Ring Focus

People of Walmart - Funny Photos Of Walmart Shoppers - Humor Blog

People of Walmart is a humor blog that depicts the many customers of Walmart stores across the United States and Canada. Through funny photos and videos, People of Walmart is an entertainment blog in the Three Ring Blogs network that features over 30 of the funniest humor blogs on the internet. Walmart is the largest retail store in the United States and has millions of people visit stores each day wearing anything but proper attire.

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