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Honey Nut Cheerios

I used to work in the grocery department stocking shelves and whatnot, and I would always see this guy in a raggy flannel shirt and even raggier jeans walking around always with someone escorting him. He would always walk by and stare at me with the eeriest smile I’ve ever seen.

Well one day I was stocking the cereal aisle and he happened to wander on through, this time all alone (he must’ve escaped from the asylum that day). He started out by asking me, in a very slurred manner, if there were anymore of some kind of rice flake cereal. Not knowing what the hell he was talking about or wanting to go check and see I said, “Nope we’re all out of that one.”

He seemed to be a little distressed about this but he kept that creepy smile on, and then went on a tangent about how that cereal is the only kind he will eat because it is the only one that has not swapped out its sugar for honey. I just listened very calmly and smiled. He then proclaimed that all cereal companies are using honey instead of sugar in an act to give us all cancer and kill us. He claimed that god had told him to avoid the honey and only eat the “healthier cereal”. Then he went on to say that all this honey business will inevitably lead to the holy rapture and God will come down and save the select few who believe and leave the others (I guess meaning the honey eaters) to be taken in the apocalypse by demons and such.

He then proclaimed it was my duty to bring this honey issue up at my employee meetings (which I never go to, but after this instance I seriously thought about it) and try to persuade everyone to not buy the cereal containing honey. So I obliged (because I did not really want to be stabbed by a crazy religious nut) and told him; “Oh, I definitely will.” and he just shrugged and continued to shuffle about the rest of the store. I continued to see him from time to time, never alone again, and he would always stop and say something but I would try to look busy and get the hell away from him.

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Flop ‘Em & Drop ‘Em

My family and I were finishing up our trip to Wally World and had circled through the medical supplies aisle. There was a middle-aged couple walking down the same aisle and they paused. The female, missing several teeth and sporting a wicked smokers rasp, pulled her arm out of her long-sleeved shirt and placed it into the blood pressure cuff. This maneuver clued the casual observer in to the fact that she was not wearing an undershirt or a bra. The result was an exposed pancake-shaped boob while the machine calculated what I had instantly diagnosed: high blood pressure.

The lady got up and asked my wife what she was looking for. My wife told her prenatal vitamins and the lady pointed them out for us. She told us she still takes them and she loves the taste of them with a laugh that ended in a wheezing hack.

I apologize for not being able to snap a picture.

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Ebony & Ivory

I work at the local Walmart as a cashier. Usually things are pretty calm, except for one Saturday morning. I was checking customers out when I heard the woman in the lane behind me begin to complain loudly. Apparently, she had picked up a CD player that she believed was $26.99, but it was ringing up for about $40.00. The cashier said she could have the electronics department do a price check, and, after she did, she informed the customer that the CD player was in fact $40.00, and that they were out of the $26.99 CD players that were advertised nearby but on a different shelf. The woman didn’t complain about false advertising or insist that she got the item for the price she wanted. Instead, she went into a full attack on the guy in electronics, saying that he was “no good white trash” and that he didn’t want her to have the cheap CD player because she was black. This continued for a good ten minutes while all of my customers (of mixed races) stared on in disbelief.

All I can say is that I’m sure the guy in electronics was really confused as to why his ears were ringing so much.

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