So after my high school graduation ceremony, my mom, grandmother, aunt and I made a trip to the local Wal Mart to get some supplies for my graduation party. We’re all still dressed up from the ceremony, me in a cute but modest dress, trying to get out of there as quickly as possible because frankly, the place is scary as hell.
Somehow I get left guarding the cart in a makeup aisle while my group dispersed for a few minutes. I’m waiting patiently, watching all the “lovely” people go by, when an old man passes the end of the aisle. No big deal, right? Then he comes back, and walks up to my cart.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for my wife.”
“OK.” I’m assuming he’s old and senile, but what can I do? I don’t know what his wife looks like.
“Would you like to be my wife tonight?”
WTF? Still thinking he’s old and crazy, I try to be polite with “Um, I have a boyfriend, I don’t think he would like that.”
“He can be with my wife then, and you can be my wife for tonight.”
At this point my mom comes back, and I give her the “OMG” eyes. She says “It’s time to go.”
He looks at her, looks at me, and says, “See how jealous she is of you?”
Mom says, “OK, it’s reaaaaally time to go.”
Directly to my mother: “But she wants to make love to me.”
We booked it out of there so fast, the shock didn’t even set in. And when we told the story to my aunt and grandma, we had to keep grandma from going back in and beating the crap out of the old man. I will never, ever forget that day, or go to Walmart alone.
I was doing some grocery shopping recently at my local Wal-Mart. A friend of mine, who is an employee there, stopped me and said “You’ve got to come and see this!” I followed him to the paper towel/toilet paper aisle, where there was a small crowd gathered, and pointed to the racks and said “Look behind the paper towels.” I looked, and what I saw was hilarious. A man, probably around 50 years old, was laying on a row of Bounty paper towels, sleeping. Next to him were several empty Busch Light cans and two bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos. My friend informed me that the police were on their way and that they hadn’t known how long the man had been there. When the police arrived, they made everyone back away so that they could extract sleeping beauty from his quicker-picker-upper mattress. When they pulled the man out, he was obviously intoxicated, and the police proceeded to ask him what he was doing. He answered them honestly, stating “Well, officer, I was gonna lay in there until closing time and I was gonna steal me a couple T.V.’s.” The police officer said in response “Sir, this is a 24-hour establishment. They don’t close..” The man said, “Well, no shit?”
I pulled into the local Wal-Mart over the weekend and saw something that I had to pass on. The Girl Scouts were out front selling cookies, approaching customers as they exited the store.
Two little girls, about 8 years old go bouncing up to this old woman in one of those electric scooter/shopping cart things. “Hi, we are with—-”
They are interrupted by the old woman shouting: “You two can go fuck yourselves!” The little girls and the parents were stunned into silence. The cranky old woman rolled off towards her car, not saying anything else.
I was sort of horrified but still choking back laughter as I strolled into the store.
I was shopping with my girlfriend and had to piss. I go into the bathroom and start pissing in one of the urinals. A dude was in the stall next to me. He was shitting. Very loudly. While he shat, he laughed hysterically and yelled:
Dude: “You like that, Garret? AHAHAHA!!! You like it?!!!”
Kids voice: “Yeah, daddy! More!”
Dude: “Here it comes…”
Kid: “HAHAHA!!! MORE!”
*SHIT PLOPPING IN WATER*
After I finished peeing, I backed up to see under the stall and saw the legs of a man sitting on the toilet and the feet of a child standing, facing the man. I guess it’s a game they play?