I was working the cash register during a late night shift when this drunk fella stumbled up to my line. I greeted him and the only thing that he said to me was “Whatever you do, don’t squish my bread.” He said this to me multiple times. He gathered his two bags of groceries, proceeded to snag his shirt on the corner the counter, tripped, and smashed his bread.
I tried to hold back a laugh but was just too good to pass up.
So I’m walking through Walmart behind this guy and his son. The kid has to be about 6 or 7 tops. We’re walking past the toys section when the kid asks his dad if they can stop and look. The dad informs him nicely that they don’t have time for toys today. The kid continues to ask and beg loudly and I can tell the dad is getting frustrated. He grabs the kids arm, telling him no, and begins yanking him away from the toy aisle.
As if on cue the kid begins screaming, “Who are you? You’re not my dad! Let me go!”
People are staring, confused, wondering if they should do something. The dad turns red and drags his kid out of Walmart with a bunch of concerned customers and employees watching.
My only question is, where in the hell did this kid learn something like that?
While shopping at Wal-Mart during the worst shopping day of the year (Black Friday) almost 2 years ago, my wife and I were walking to the electronics to see if they had a few of the Xbox 360 games and SD memory cards that were on sale left to sell. I had decided to try and swim through the sea of Wal-Creatures (too many to count, I thought I was in a circus!) while leaving my wife in an area with less people (since we had our son with us and he was only 5 months old and we were unable to get a baby-sitter)when I finally get stuck and have to wait until some people clear out of the way.
This is when I notice that there is an old lady, probably in her late 70’s or early 80’s, wearing a rediculously large fur coat. Not entirely surprising, except for the fact that she had nothing in her cart. Not even a sale’s ad. Intrigued, I watch for a moment as she then begins to look around as though she was doing something suspicious, and I was rewarded a few moments later with a startling show.
She slowly pushed her cart out of the way and squeezed herself through the people until she reached a rather large woman’s cart full of clothes, toys, games, and a 32″ tv and start to walk off with it while the fat lady was arguing with a clerk about the price of some video game. I stood in utter amazement as the tiny, fur wearing gremlin made it probably 30 feet before the large ogre of a women realized that her cart was missing and thundered after the old lady! I watched the exchange of curses as the old lady said that it was HER cart to begin with and the fat lady was calling her “an old senile bitch”.
How the whole thing stopped, you wonder? The fat lady pulled out the largest pair of skivvies I had ever seen and said quite loudly “If this is your cart then why the f*@$ would you be buying these?!”
The old lady didn’t skip a beat with her response, said straight faced “They’re for my nephew who’s a drag queen.”
After hearing that, I busted out laughing and headed back to my wife.
A couple years ago, while I worked for the Walmart Photo Lab, I received a multitude of highly inappropriate and, often, hilarious pictures. However, one photo will forever be burned into my retinas.
You know those toys for infants, the plastic rings that you stack around a plastic stick according to size? Yeah, those are great fun. However, replacing the plastic stick with an obscenely filthy penis and the plastic rings with glazed doughnuts? That……yeah… To say it was horrifying is somewhere beyond an understatement.