So after my high school graduation ceremony, my mom, grandmother, aunt and I made a trip to the local Wal Mart to get some supplies for my graduation party. We’re all still dressed up from the ceremony, me in a cute but modest dress, trying to get out of there as quickly as possible because frankly, the place is scary as hell.
Somehow I get left guarding the cart in a makeup aisle while my group dispersed for a few minutes. I’m waiting patiently, watching all the “lovely” people go by, when an old man passes the end of the aisle. No big deal, right? Then he comes back, and walks up to my cart.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for my wife.”
“OK.” I’m assuming he’s old and senile, but what can I do? I don’t know what his wife looks like.
“Would you like to be my wife tonight?”
WTF? Still thinking he’s old and crazy, I try to be polite with “Um, I have a boyfriend, I don’t think he would like that.”
“He can be with my wife then, and you can be my wife for tonight.”
At this point my mom comes back, and I give her the “OMG” eyes. She says “It’s time to go.”
He looks at her, looks at me, and says, “See how jealous she is of you?”
Mom says, “OK, it’s reaaaaally time to go.”
Directly to my mother: “But she wants to make love to me.”
We booked it out of there so fast, the shock didn’t even set in. And when we told the story to my aunt and grandma, we had to keep grandma from going back in and beating the crap out of the old man. I will never, ever forget that day, or go to Walmart alone.
I was shopping with my girlfriend and had to piss. I go into the bathroom and start pissing in one of the urinals. A dude was in the stall next to me. He was shitting. Very loudly. While he shat, he laughed hysterically and yelled:
Dude: “You like that, Garret? AHAHAHA!!! You like it?!!!”
Kids voice: “Yeah, daddy! More!”
Dude: “Here it comes…”
Kid: “HAHAHA!!! MORE!”
*SHIT PLOPPING IN WATER*
After I finished peeing, I backed up to see under the stall and saw the legs of a man sitting on the toilet and the feet of a child standing, facing the man. I guess it’s a game they play?
This evening I decided to stop and pick a few things up at the store on my way home from work. Unfortunately, the only store between my office and house is a Wal-Mart. I parked my car and I was getting out, I noticed A LOT of commotion from the car parked directly in front of me. I tried to play it off like I didn’t notice, but that was impossible. Literally, everyone in the parking lot stopped to witness the ordeal going on in front of me. There was a 30-something year old female screaming at the top of her lungs for some guy to “get up off me,” and/or “get out of my car.” Now said guy wasn’t “up on her,” or in her car. He was standing next to the driver side door, which was open, and repeatedly asked her to come back into the store so they could discuss things. (She was standing outside the passenger side of her car). I slowly walked to the front of the store where approximately 30 people were standing to watch this arguement. I found out from fellow spectators that the chick had stolen some item from Wal-Mart and the guy was apparently with the loss and prevention department. Next thing I know, this crazy lady starts running and screaming through the parking lot, and the guy is chasing after her. By this time, just about everyone has come out of the store and everyone in the parking lot is staring and hysterically laughing. Before you know it, this insane thief is trying to get into some random chick’s car. Naturally, the random chick starts freaking out and yelling at the thief. So now, not only is the Wal-Mart security guy screaming at this lady, so is a random woman who just wants to enter the store. This fiasco ended with the thief hightailing it across a VERY busy, major street. Cars start honking and slamming on the brakes, the security guy follows her across the street and finally tackles her in the grass. Right about the time the guy nailed the girl, the cops showed up. I have no idea what on earth this chick stole, but it was by far one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen at a Wal-Mart.
A few years back I worked at a local Walmart as a cake decorator. In this particular Walmart we had a self serve donut case. The donuts were fried at around 5 am and left in the case until about 10 pm that night for customers to pick and choose from.
One night at around 6 pm I was working the front counter. The cake decorating counter was positioned where I could see customers approach with my peripheral vision. As I was bent over an icing bucket filling up a bag I heard a sort of high pitched gasp/squeak sound, and saw something blurry and yellow out of my side vision. As I stood up I saw a blonde standing in front of the donut case. Frizzy hair, acid washed denim mini skirt. Attached to her back was a man. He was leaning forward into her and she was leaning back against him. Overall it was actually a sort of sweet picture of open affection. UNTIL her skirt twitched.
I remember my eyes widening as the man removed his hand from under her skirt. This had of course been the reason she’d gasped in shock. He ran the finger under his nose, took a deep breath, and leaned past her and into the donut case to start picking up donuts. WITH HIS BARE HAND! The one that had just been under her skirt doing god only knows what.
At this point my mouth was hanging open. Had he? Was he? Did he? OH my god yes he did! As I watched he picked up several donuts and set them down, finally they made their selections and left. I immediately pulled every single donut in the case and trashed it. I just couldn’t stand idly by while customers bought food that I KNEW for a fact was contaminated and I couldn’t just pull a few that I suspected he had touched and feel good about it. In all fairness the donuts were probably already contaminated at that point as the customers were pretty nasty but the fact that I had seen them get touched by senor stinkfinger just made it worse.
Naturally I was chewed out by the bakery manager, even after I explained what I had seen and that I had an ethical obligation to make sure customers didn’t eat things that could possibly make them sick. Apparently the health and safety of customers came second to food cost.
Walmart was truly one job I NEVER regretted quitting.