As a cashier I got the true blessing of scanning EVERYONE’S merchandise. As an overnight cashier I also seem to be blessed with the opportunity to see all the nighttime crazies.
A man came up to check out in my line with four pairs of Miley Cyrus jeans. I figured it was a present for a child, until he proceeded to say “I think that these will look really good on me.” He had told his wife prior to coming up to the register that he would meet her in the car so. Knowing that he wasn’t homosexual, I responded with “You do realize that these are girl’s pants, right? As I said it, his wife walked up and they both went “Ohhhhhh………..”
So after my high school graduation ceremony, my mom, grandmother, aunt and I made a trip to the local Wal Mart to get some supplies for my graduation party. We’re all still dressed up from the ceremony, me in a cute but modest dress, trying to get out of there as quickly as possible because frankly, the place is scary as hell.
Somehow I get left guarding the cart in a makeup aisle while my group dispersed for a few minutes. I’m waiting patiently, watching all the “lovely” people go by, when an old man passes the end of the aisle. No big deal, right? Then he comes back, and walks up to my cart.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for my wife.”
“OK.” I’m assuming he’s old and senile, but what can I do? I don’t know what his wife looks like.
“Would you like to be my wife tonight?”
WTF? Still thinking he’s old and crazy, I try to be polite with “Um, I have a boyfriend, I don’t think he would like that.”
“He can be with my wife then, and you can be my wife for tonight.”
At this point my mom comes back, and I give her the “OMG” eyes. She says “It’s time to go.”
He looks at her, looks at me, and says, “See how jealous she is of you?”
Mom says, “OK, it’s reaaaaally time to go.”
Directly to my mother: “But she wants to make love to me.”
We booked it out of there so fast, the shock didn’t even set in. And when we told the story to my aunt and grandma, we had to keep grandma from going back in and beating the crap out of the old man. I will never, ever forget that day, or go to Walmart alone.
Having spent my entire life in Texas with the exception of 7 years in Arkansas, I used to think that there was no way I would ever see displays of ignorance or idiocy akin to what I’d experienced in “Bill Clinton Land,” after returning home to Texas. Well, one fateful night at Wal-Mart in my home state, I was proven wrong.
Shortly upon entering the store, I’d noticed a rather large woman, who was visibly economically impaired. She had with her 4 children, 2 of them in nothing but diapers, and she had them all sitting in her buggy. The youngest of the babies was probably about 7 months old, and because it was close to 11 at night, the poor little thing was cranky and exhausted, not unlike his siblings, and understandably, the mother herself was rather frazzled and short tempered. I wanted to point out that if she had her children at home in the bed at such a late hour, she would probably not be in that situation, but I held my tongue because perhaps she was a working mom who just got off work or something, and had to go to the store for milk or other various necessities.
I was soon proven wrong on this, however, because I saw her a few minutes later in the beer and wine section, with cartons of ale and bottles of wine shoved in the basket in the available space not taken up by her children. And the littlest baby had decided that enough was enough, and was squalling so loudly it could have woken the dead. I felt sorry for the poor thing, and remembered that I had a brand new pacifier, still in the package, in my purse for any tantrum emergencies for my own baby. So I went up to the woman and said, “You must have your hands full. I have a new binky in my purse, it hasn’t been opened yet, you are welcome to it if you’d like.”
The woman blinked and said, “Oh, no, I don’t let my babies use those things. It’s bad for their teeth, and I think they need to have other ways of soothing themselves.” I shrugged and walked away to the dairy section, leaving behind the screaming baby, and a minute later I noticed the baby had stopped crying. Curious, I scanned the aisles to see what she had done to quiet him down. Well, the woman whose children were too good for pacifiers had given her child an unopened bottle of beer from one of her cartons and he was happily sucking on it. Go figure.
When I was checking out one afternoon, I saw a group of adults dressed like animal hookers. Thigh high boots on one with hot pink hot pants and kitten ears, her whole body covered in glitter, and then some guy with six inch pink and black spiked hair with a collar and some kind of furry tail and then a couple of other crazily dressed morons. I said to my sister, “Check it out…it’s like Halloween!” Without missing a beat, the cashier said, “Every day is Halloween when you work at Walmart!”