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08.23.

Donut Holes

A few years back I worked at a local Walmart as a cake decorator. In this particular Walmart we had a self serve donut case. The donuts were fried at around 5 am and left in the case until about 10 pm that night for customers to pick and choose from.

One night at around 6 pm I was working the front counter. The cake decorating counter was positioned where I could see customers approach with my peripheral vision. As I was bent over an icing bucket filling up a bag I heard a sort of high pitched gasp/squeak sound, and saw something blurry and yellow out of my side vision. As I stood up I saw a blonde standing in front of the donut case. Frizzy hair, acid washed denim mini skirt. Attached to her back was a man. He was leaning forward into her and she was leaning back against him. Overall it was actually a sort of sweet picture of open affection. UNTIL her skirt twitched.

I remember my eyes widening as the man removed his hand from under her skirt. This had of course been the reason she’d gasped in shock. He ran the finger under his nose, took a deep breath, and leaned past her and into the donut case to start picking up donuts. WITH HIS BARE HAND! The one that had just been under her skirt doing god only knows what.

At this point my mouth was hanging open. Had he? Was he? Did he? OH my god yes he did! As I watched he picked up several donuts and set them down, finally they made their selections and left. I immediately pulled every single donut in the case and trashed it. I just couldn’t stand idly by while customers bought food that I KNEW for a fact was contaminated and I couldn’t just pull a few that I suspected he had touched and feel good about it. In all fairness the donuts were probably already contaminated at that point as the customers were pretty nasty but the fact that I had seen them get touched by senor stinkfinger just made it worse.

Naturally I was chewed out by the bakery manager, even after I explained what I had seen and that I had an ethical obligation to make sure customers didn’t eat things that could possibly make them sick. Apparently the health and safety of customers came second to food cost.

Walmart was truly one job I NEVER regretted quitting.

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07.14.

It’s Miley!

As a cashier I got the true blessing of scanning EVERYONE’S merchandise. As an overnight cashier I also seem to be blessed with the opportunity to see all the nighttime crazies.

A man came up to check out in my line with four pairs of Miley Cyrus jeans. I figured it was a present for a child, until he proceeded to say “I think that these will look really good on me.” He had told his wife prior to coming up to the register that he would meet her in the car so. Knowing that he wasn’t homosexual, I responded with “You do realize that these are girl’s pants, right? As I said it, his wife walked up and they both went “Ohhhhhh………..”

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04.14.

Sopping Up The Alcohol

I was doing some grocery shopping recently at my local Wal-Mart. A friend of mine, who is an employee there, stopped me and said “You’ve got to come and see this!” I followed him to the paper towel/toilet paper aisle, where there was a small crowd gathered, and pointed to the racks and said “Look behind the paper towels.” I looked, and what I saw was hilarious. A man, probably around 50 years old, was laying on a row of Bounty paper towels, sleeping. Next to him were several empty Busch Light cans and two bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos. My friend informed me that the police were on their way and that they hadn’t known how long the man had been there. When the police arrived, they made everyone back away so that they could extract sleeping beauty from his quicker-picker-upper mattress. When they pulled the man out, he was obviously intoxicated, and the police proceeded to ask him what he was doing. He answered them honestly, stating “Well, officer, I was gonna lay in there until closing time and I was gonna steal me a couple T.V.’s.” The police officer said in response “Sir, this is a 24-hour establishment. They don’t close..” The man said, “Well, no shit?”

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03.22.

iVHS

About two years ago in Pittsburgh I was in the electronics section when I noticed a lady wanting to buy an iPod. At that time, the classic iPods that play video were fairly knew. After an employee came over she began asking questions about it. When I heard her say “We have a VCR player at home, how in the hell I’m going to put a vcr tape in this thing?” I had to stay and watch. The employee said you don’t put tapes in it, you download video from iTunes on your computer. She then stated “I don’t have a computer, I want an iPod not an iTunes.” She refused to believe that this thing didn’t play video tapes. About a minute or so after some more dialog, she walked a few feet away and grabbed a DVD and said “You show me how I’m supposed to play this video in the iPod. This tape (even though she had a DVD) is to big to fit this iPod.” The guy then tried to sell her a portable DVD player to which she refused and said “You guys need to do more research on your products. These video pods ain’t going to play all my tapes until you get the ones that are bigger.” I wonder if she has since bought one and tried to stuff a VHS tape in it?

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People of Walmart - Funny Photos Of Walmart Shoppers - Humor Blog

People of Walmart is a humor blog that depicts the many customers of Walmart stores across the United States and Canada. Through funny photos and videos, People of Walmart is an entertainment blog in the Three Ring Blogs network that features over 30 of the funniest humor blogs on the internet. Walmart is the largest retail store in the United States and has millions of people visit stores each day wearing anything but proper attire. Hello Flippa.

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