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03.16.

Oops, I (Almost) Crapped My Pants

I can’t believe that I’m even submitting this story, but it’s too good NOT to share.

It was Mexican night. We’d had refried beans, tacos… quite literally, the whole enchilada. My step-daughter and I were browsing in the toy department for a board game that we could take back for a family game night. I saw one title that piqued my interest, and I practically climbed the shelves to grab the box from the top shelf. After about five minutes of reading about the game, I decided it wasn’t “the one,” and I stretched back on tiptoe to put it back on the top shelf. It didn’t sit well. In fact, it wobbled and started to fall back towards my step-daughter’s head. In an attempt to save her from being beaned by the boardgame, I jumped up to catch the falling box. As I came back down… it happened. It’s funny how a fart seems so much louder when it’s happening in a public setting… and under duress.

My step-daughter’s eyes grew as big as saucers, and she whispered, “I know you didn’t just…” I just fell into laughter… until…

That’s when I realized that there was this kid standing right behind me… about butt level. I had farted on some random child in the Wal-mart toy department! His parents and siblings thought it was hilarious… I did, too… even though it was incredibly embarrassing at the time.

I just want to say to that kid… wherever you are… I’m sorry for cutting the cheese on your head. Blame it on gravity…

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02.05.

50 Cent Piece

My husband witnessed this while in the checkout line at Walmart:

Lady in front of him had purchases totaling 90 cents. She gave the cashier a 50 cent piece, 3 quarters, a dime and 5 pennies. Keep the denominations in mind. That is key.

Cashier: What’s this?

Lady: It is a 50 cent piece.

Cashier (examines it with a puzzled look): Ummm…

Lady: Yeah, that’s 50. And (counting the QUARTERS) 60, 70, 80. And this makes 85 (adding the DIME). 86, 87, 88, 89, 90 (counting the pennies..she at least counted those correctly).

Cashier (Holding up one of the quarters): I can’t accept this.

Lady: Why?

Cashier: It isn’t US currency. It says it is from Indiana.

My husband stood for a few minutes watching in disbelief as the cashier wouldn’t accept the quarter and neither the cashier nor the lady realized the coins actually added up to $1.40. Finally Jim couldn’t stand it any longer. He handed the 50 cent piece and 2 quarters to the cashier and said “This is $1. Give her 10 cents back. She can keep her Indiana money.”

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08.04.

THOSE People

I live in a melting pot of different lifestyles, religions, backgrounds, etc. And apparently, ALL of them shop at Wal-Mart. Unfortunately for some of them, so do the “evangelical Christians” who have taken it upon themselves to minister to the heathens, and feel as though they have the right to do so in as rude and obnoxious a manner as they please.

I was raised by a Baptist mother who was intolerant of homosexuality, and because of this, I am raising my son to appreciate, respect, and love everyone, regardless of race, color, creed, and sexual orientation.

One day, while we were shopping for school clothes for my then 8-year old son, we were arguing about some clothes that I picked out for him. I thought they were cute, and he said they were too “baby-looking.” We were approached by a semi-flamboyant gay man who was also shopping with a small child, and he and I struck up a friendly conversation about boys and their taste in clothes as they get older, while the kids looked for things on the racks around us. My son picked up a shirt and said, “What about this one?” The man said, “That looks really nice. You have good taste!” We chatted for another minute, and then he and his child went on their way.

After they were out of earshot, a Pentecostal woman (I could tell her denomination by her long hair, long skirt, lack of jewelry or makeup, and the scowl on her face) walked up and said, “I wouldn’t buy ANYTHING for my child that was suggested by one of THOSE people.”
“Excuse me?” I said, immediately getting angry.

“It’s people like you, who are tolerant of those abominations, that will send this country straight to hell!” she replied.

I was at a loss for words, so incensed was I at this ignorance and hatred, trying to come up with something to say to get my point across without setting a bad example for my son. But my little boy, without missing a beat, says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but hating people for no reason will send you to hell faster than my mom being nice and talking to that nice man.”

The woman couldn’t really say anything after that, whether from embarrassment or anger I couldn’t tell. So I picked up my son, gave him a big kiss, and said to her, “Unless you come to Him like this little child, you shall not enter the kingdom of Heaven.” I know it wasn’t an exact quote, but I didn’t care. As I walked away, I said to my son, “Love, 1, Hate, 0.” And he high-fived me.

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05.19.

Just Beat It

I worked for Wal-Mart a few years ago as a Loss Prevention associate. For those of you who don’t know what that is, basically I was a plain clothed security guard at the store. My primary job was to catch shoplifters but I also caught employees stealing too. At our store we had a place where all of the shelves, pegs, hooks and other items that make up an aisle are stored. This was called the fixture room. I started to notice discarded wrappers and open packages in the fixture room. This made me suspicious that an associate was stealing and getting rid of the evidence in there. So I decided to hang a small camera to try and catch them. A few days later I was reviewing the footage when I recognized an employee, a 3rd shift stock man, walking into the fixture room. He looks around for a minute and then proceeds to pull his penis out and began masturbating wildly. He continues to play with himself for a minute or two and then discharges all over some shelves that were stacked in the floor. I immediately showed the recording to the store manager who looked very upset. Feeling like my job had been done, I decided to let the store manager handle this since it was not really an issue of theft. A few days later I came in early one morning to see that same guy clocking out and going home like nothing was wrong in the world. When I asked the store manager why he had not fired him, he told me how the stock guy explained that he had come to work after he had been drinking a while and was still pretty buzzed. He did not remember doing it and was sorry that it happened. He came in on his own time to clean every shelf and promised not to do it again. The store manager also added that he was the best employee that he had on 3rd shift and that it would be hard to replace him. Since no one was hurt and nothing was stolen or damaged. He figured no harm no foul.

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People of Walmart - Funny Photos Of Walmart Shoppers - Humor Blog

People of Walmart is a humor blog that depicts the many customers of Walmart stores across the United States and Canada. Through funny photos and videos, People of Walmart is an entertainment blog in the Three Ring Blogs network that features over 30 of the funniest humor blogs on the internet. Walmart is the largest retail store in the United States and has millions of people visit stores each day wearing anything but proper attire. Hello Flippa.

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