Stories

03.10.

Bonding Time

I was shopping with my girlfriend and had to piss. I go into the bathroom and start pissing in one of the urinals. A dude was in the stall next to me. He was shitting. Very loudly. While he shat, he laughed hysterically and yelled:

Dude: “You like that, Garret? AHAHAHA!!! You like it?!!!”

Kids voice: “Yeah, daddy! More!”

Dude: “Here it comes…”

*FAAART*

Kid: “HAHAHA!!! MORE!”

*SHIT PLOPPING IN WATER*

After I finished peeing, I backed up to see under the stall and saw the legs of a man sitting on the toilet and the feet of a child standing, facing the man. I guess it’s a game they play?

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05.05.

Edward 40-Hands

I decided to go into my local Wal-Mart last night to grab a few items around 11:30. Surprisingly, I only saw one powermullet, and was quite sad that I didn’t catch any humorous displays as I usually do, until I got to the checkout line. Of course, only two lanes were open, but I got lucky and ended up behind two people. The first person had a buggy full, but the second guy had three 40 ounce beers. In my town, it is against the law to sell an alcoholic beverage after midnight, so when the guy finally got to the counter, he was quite dismayed to hear that he couldn’t purchase his beers because it was now 12:02.

“BUT I’VE BEEN WAITING IN LINE FOR 10 MINUTES!” he yelled at the obviously grumpy young “lady” at the register. Another customer piped in and told him just to drive over the bridge that separates our town from our “sister” city which does sell after midnight. This just made the hostile drunk even more hostile. “NO, I want my beer, NOW!”┬áHe finally accepted the fact that the register would not allow the girl to even ring the beer up and stumbled/stomped towards the doors.

I ended up, as unlucky and unbelievable as it sounds, being parked right next to this drunk. By the time I got to my car, a good 5 minutes after he walked out, he was trying frantically to unlock his car. He couldn’t get the key into the hole for the life of him. Finally, though, he succeded and almost belly flopped into the driver’s seat. I watched in horror (and slight amusement) as he, I assume, attempted to put his car in reverse, but instead put it in drive, and went through the bars of the shopping cart return and snowplowed about 20 carts. I’d never seen a shopping cart fly until last night.

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08.23.

Donut Holes

A few years back I worked at a local Walmart as a cake decorator. In this particular Walmart we had a self serve donut case. The donuts were fried at around 5 am and left in the case until about 10 pm that night for customers to pick and choose from.

One night at around 6 pm I was working the front counter. The cake decorating counter was positioned where I could see customers approach with my peripheral vision. As I was bent over an icing bucket filling up a bag I heard a sort of high pitched gasp/squeak sound, and saw something blurry and yellow out of my side vision. As I stood up I saw a blonde standing in front of the donut case. Frizzy hair, acid washed denim mini skirt. Attached to her back was a man. He was leaning forward into her and she was leaning back against him. Overall it was actually a sort of sweet picture of open affection. UNTIL her skirt twitched.

I remember my eyes widening as the man removed his hand from under her skirt. This had of course been the reason she’d gasped in shock. He ran the finger under his nose, took a deep breath, and leaned past her and into the donut case to start picking up donuts. WITH HIS BARE HAND! The one that had just been under her skirt doing god only knows what.

At this point my mouth was hanging open. Had he? Was he? Did he? OH my god yes he did! As I watched he picked up several donuts and set them down, finally they made their selections and left. I immediately pulled every single donut in the case and trashed it. I just couldn’t stand idly by while customers bought food that I KNEW for a fact was contaminated and I couldn’t just pull a few that I suspected he had touched and feel good about it. In all fairness the donuts were probably already contaminated at that point as the customers were pretty nasty but the fact that I had seen them get touched by senor stinkfinger just made it worse.

Naturally I was chewed out by the bakery manager, even after I explained what I had seen and that I had an ethical obligation to make sure customers didn’t eat things that could possibly make them sick. Apparently the health and safety of customers came second to food cost.

Walmart was truly one job I NEVER regretted quitting.

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07.14.

It’s Miley!

As a cashier I got the true blessing of scanning EVERYONE’S merchandise. As an overnight cashier I also seem to be blessed with the opportunity to see all the nighttime crazies.

A man came up to check out in my line with four pairs of Miley Cyrus jeans. I figured it was a present for a child, until he proceeded to say “I think that these will look really good on me.” He had told his wife prior to coming up to the register that he would meet her in the car so. Knowing that he wasn’t homosexual, I responded with “You do realize that these are girl’s pants, right? As I said it, his wife walked up and they both went “Ohhhhhh………..”

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People of Walmart - Funny Photos Of Walmart Shoppers - Humor Blog

People of Walmart is a humor blog that depicts the many customers of Walmart stores across the United States and Canada. Through funny photos and videos, People of Walmart is an entertainment blog in the Three Ring Blogs network that features over 30 of the funniest humor blogs on the internet. Walmart is the largest retail store in the United States and has millions of people visit stores each day wearing anything but proper attire. Hello Flippa.

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