I was doing some grocery shopping recently at my local Wal-Mart. A friend of mine, who is an employee there, stopped me and said “You’ve got to come and see this!” I followed him to the paper towel/toilet paper aisle, where there was a small crowd gathered, and pointed to the racks and said “Look behind the paper towels.” I looked, and what I saw was hilarious. A man, probably around 50 years old, was laying on a row of Bounty paper towels, sleeping. Next to him were several empty Busch Light cans and two bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos. My friend informed me that the police were on their way and that they hadn’t known how long the man had been there. When the police arrived, they made everyone back away so that they could extract sleeping beauty from his quicker-picker-upper mattress. When they pulled the man out, he was obviously intoxicated, and the police proceeded to ask him what he was doing. He answered them honestly, stating “Well, officer, I was gonna lay in there until closing time and I was gonna steal me a couple T.V.’s.” The police officer said in response “Sir, this is a 24-hour establishment. They don’t close..” The man said, “Well, no shit?”
Having spent my entire life in Texas with the exception of 7 years in Arkansas, I used to think that there was no way I would ever see displays of ignorance or idiocy akin to what I’d experienced in “Bill Clinton Land,” after returning home to Texas. Well, one fateful night at Wal-Mart in my home state, I was proven wrong.
Shortly upon entering the store, I’d noticed a rather large woman, who was visibly economically impaired. She had with her 4 children, 2 of them in nothing but diapers, and she had them all sitting in her buggy. The youngest of the babies was probably about 7 months old, and because it was close to 11 at night, the poor little thing was cranky and exhausted, not unlike his siblings, and understandably, the mother herself was rather frazzled and short tempered. I wanted to point out that if she had her children at home in the bed at such a late hour, she would probably not be in that situation, but I held my tongue because perhaps she was a working mom who just got off work or something, and had to go to the store for milk or other various necessities.
I was soon proven wrong on this, however, because I saw her a few minutes later in the beer and wine section, with cartons of ale and bottles of wine shoved in the basket in the available space not taken up by her children. And the littlest baby had decided that enough was enough, and was squalling so loudly it could have woken the dead. I felt sorry for the poor thing, and remembered that I had a brand new pacifier, still in the package, in my purse for any tantrum emergencies for my own baby. So I went up to the woman and said, “You must have your hands full. I have a new binky in my purse, it hasn’t been opened yet, you are welcome to it if you’d like.”
The woman blinked and said, “Oh, no, I don’t let my babies use those things. It’s bad for their teeth, and I think they need to have other ways of soothing themselves.” I shrugged and walked away to the dairy section, leaving behind the screaming baby, and a minute later I noticed the baby had stopped crying. Curious, I scanned the aisles to see what she had done to quiet him down. Well, the woman whose children were too good for pacifiers had given her child an unopened bottle of beer from one of her cartons and he was happily sucking on it. Go figure.
When I was checking out one afternoon, I saw a group of adults dressed like animal hookers. Thigh high boots on one with hot pink hot pants and kitten ears, her whole body covered in glitter, and then some guy with six inch pink and black spiked hair with a collar and some kind of furry tail and then a couple of other crazily dressed morons. I said to my sister, “Check it out…it’s like Halloween!” Without missing a beat, the cashier said, “Every day is Halloween when you work at Walmart!”
About two years ago in Pittsburgh I was in the electronics section when I noticed a lady wanting to buy an iPod. At that time, the classic iPods that play video were fairly knew. After an employee came over she began asking questions about it. When I heard her say “We have a VCR player at home, how in the hell I’m going to put a vcr tape in this thing?” I had to stay and watch. The employee said you don’t put tapes in it, you download video from iTunes on your computer. She then stated “I don’t have a computer, I want an iPod not an iTunes.” She refused to believe that this thing didn’t play video tapes. About a minute or so after some more dialog, she walked a few feet away and grabbed a DVD and said “You show me how I’m supposed to play this video in the iPod. This tape (even though she had a DVD) is to big to fit this iPod.” The guy then tried to sell her a portable DVD player to which she refused and said “You guys need to do more research on your products. These video pods ain’t going to play all my tapes until you get the ones that are bigger.” I wonder if she has since bought one and tried to stuff a VHS tape in it?