Stories

07.12.

Family Matters

One day, back in my college days in the 80’s, I worked as a cashier in the local Wal-Mart. I haven’t seen my natural father for at least 12 years at that point… was a nasty split between my mom and dad and I had no clue he lived in the town I went to college in.

I checked out the lady and she wrote a check… It had both HIS and HER Full names on the check. I looked up and asked her was Mr. ______ born on Valentine’s day in 1948. She snapped back… Yes he was… what’s it to you? She began to berate me for being so nosy and my favorite manager came over to investigate what was going on. I looked at the Manager and said I asked her if her husband Mr. ______ was born on valentines day in 1948 and she thinks I’m being nosy and wants to know what’s it to me.

I was trying to be gentle and kind about it, but she was being quite a witch about it… so I just looked her dead in the eye and said “Oh nothing much, that’s my dad… I haven’t seen him in years… so I guess that makes you my step mom.”

All the color went from her face and I thought she was going to hit the floor.

I have since made peace with Dad and Step-Momster (actually she was exactly what he needed to straighten him out and I’m glad he found her) now I when I go visit I visit with her more than him.

One time when she was in the hospital her sister asked her how she got such a caring son… she always answers… “I picked him up at Wal-Mart”.

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12.13.

Lucky

My bf and I just got back from stopping by Walmart on the way home to pick up MILK and ONLY MILK. That’s always how it starts right? Some lady had three German shepherd mixes in a shopping cart outside, giving them away for free. I picked one up and (keep in mind, it was about 9 pm so it was dark) noticed a couple small ticks on the 2 month old pup. No biggie, we had shampoo and spray and tweezers at home. We finished our shopping and left and the woman was GONE. We got home to find out that this poor dog had nearly 200 ticks on it’s tiny body, even some as big as kidney beans stacked up under it’s arms 4 or 5 ticks deep. My great boyfriend sat there and bathed this poor dog and spent about two hours picking every last tick off. He’s still getting used to his new home but definitely has a fitting new name, Lucky. Partly because that woman better thank her lucky stars we don’t know where she lives!

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09.12.

The Country Music Fan

Local country fan Reginald Spears was arrested over the weekend for merchandise tampering at the new Super Walmart out on the bypass. The details of his infractions are unique, to say the least.

Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously.

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he’d decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded “Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma’am” and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store.

“I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that… and where Taylor Swift had been, he’d replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he’d stole all them new CDs and tried to replace ‘em with his old junk,” said a perplexed Johnston.

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. “I didn’t shoplift nothin’. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares… where that crap belongs,” said Spears. “I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I’ve got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain’t stupid.”

“Can you believe they didn’t have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?” he continued. “Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did.”

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store.

Spears explained: “They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke ‘em, them motherf***ers! I’m suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out… I’m a by-God patriot!”

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation.

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03.28.

From Bob The Poet

I was sitting home alone one night
Feeling a little bored.
I stumbled upon a web site
With pictures from a store.
I wasted half the night away,
Clicking through the pics.
Some were laugh loud funny
And some were down right sick.

People of WalMart, all across the land.
People of WalMart, I’ve become a fan.
You never know who you’ll see
As you walk down that next aisle.
People of WalMart
Always make me smile.

There was that chubby lady
With her boobs tucked in her pants.
Could that have been the latest
Fashion trend from France?
That sexy little thing
Just looked a little weird.
I knew why on the next pic
When I saw the beard.

People of WalMart, all across the land.
People of WalMart, I’ve become a fan.
You never know who you’ll see
As you walk down that next aisle.
People of WalMart
Always make me smile.

Now I don’t put these people down
To each his or her own.
But I often wonder
If they have mirrors at home.
Are these individuals
Crazy, blind or brave.
I don’t know, but I will bet
Sam Walton’s spinning in his grave.

People of WalMart, all across the land.
People of WalMart, I’ve become a fan.
You never know who you’ll see
As you walk down that next aisle.
People of WalMart
Always make me smile.

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People of Walmart - Funny Photos Of Walmart Shoppers - Humor Blog

People of Walmart is a humor blog that depicts the many customers of Walmart stores across the United States and Canada. Through funny photos and videos, People of Walmart is an entertainment blog in the Three Ring Blogs network that features over 30 of the funniest humor blogs on the internet. Walmart is the largest retail store in the United States and has millions of people visit stores each day wearing anything but proper attire. Hello Flippa.

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