Stories

11.09.

He Showed Me His Boobies!

A Pennsylvania man was arrested yesterday after flashing his breast implants at fellow Walmart shoppers.

Jeremy Owens, 23, was busted following the bizarre incident at the retailer in Lackawanna County. Owens was apprehended after he left the store and boarded a municipal bus, from which he had to be forcibly removed by cops.

After being cuffed and placed in a cruiser, Owens banged his head against the vehicle’s window, apparently cutting himself in the process. Which then allowed Owens to allegedly spit blood at officers.

A Walmart manager told cops that a customer reported that he was “flashed” by a female customer. When the manager “located the female within the store,” she was yelling that she “was the best whore in town,” according to a probable cause affidavit. Subsequently, officers noted, “the female was identified and found out to actually be a male named Jeremy Christopher Owens.”

Owens, who calls himself “Jamie,” was jailed for aggravated assault, drug possession, resisting arrest, making terroristic threats, and indecent exposure.

Yesterday’s collar came two weeks after Owens was busted for lying to cops about the purported knifepoint abduction of a female friend. Owens was also nabbed in March following a disturbance at a doughnut shop (he was accused of spitting on two female customers).

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11.09.

Chivalry Isn’t Dead

One of my fellow cashiers walked up to me after getting back from her 15 minute break with a big smile on her face. I asked her why she is so happy, considering she was miserable before her break. She held out her left hand to show me a (small) diamond ring on her pinky. She then proceeded to tell me that her boyfriend of two months showed up while she was on her break, got down on one knee in front of Subway, and proposed to her. I wanted to laugh, but instead I told her how happy I was for her and all, but I did ask why it was on her pinky. “Well, he didn’t know my ring size, but he couldn’t wait any longer…” I start to say how sweet, but she added, “Because at 5:00, he is gonna go turn himself in and spend a month in jail.”

I was speechless, so I muttered an “Oh!” and luckily a customer was ready to check out so I was able to step away. She was telling everyone all about it and gushing about how romantic it was, and all I could think of was if I had been proposed to like that (and in those circumstances), I wouldn’t have told a soul.

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10.31.

I’ll Huff & I’ll Puff & I’ll Pass Out

ROCK HILL A Rock Hill woman was found unconscious in her car at Walmart Friday after she huffed fumes from an air can, police say.

Crystal Marie Jonas, 20, is charged with driving under the influence and unlawful use and possession of aromatic hydrocarbons, according to a Rock Hill police report.

An employee at the Walmart on Old York Road told police around 5:30 p.m. that Jonas was passed out in the driver’s seat of her car, a silver 2002 Grand Prix, while it was still running with the stereo playing, the report states. Police found a can of Ultra Duster, canned air that she had just purchased nearly an hour before, in Jonas’ left hand.

Police turned off the car and took the nearly-empty can of Ultra Duster before asking Jonas how much of the can she huffed. Jonas initially denied huffing, although officers saw that her eyes were glassy and bloodshot, her pupils were dilated and she had residue on her hands. She claimed the residue was from eating doughnuts, the report states.

While she searched for her driver’s license, officers saw several prescription pain pills in her purse, many of them depressants. Jonas told police she had just finished a rehabilitation program for an addiction to inhalants, the report states. She later admitted to taking several pills.

She failed three field sobriety tests. She is scheduled to appear in court Nov. 15.

Jonas and her family declined to comment.

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10.26.

Plug It Up

“Found this in the makeup aisle…”

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